Life After Haiti

As I was anticipating going to Haiti, I knew I'd change, but I never could have predicted how. I've been home exactly one month today and am still trying to process all that I've seen, heard, and learned. Coming back from a country where there is starvation, lack of governmental infastructure, severe poverty, thousands of orphans, neglect and abuse, 80% unemployment, with 50% of the population illiterate because they do not enjoy free education as we do here...ugh...it breaks my heart. I'm left feeling a little out of sorts back in the states. Someone told me, "You don't seem like yourself." A little thing that God has shown and grown in me is the desire to have a gentle and quiet spirit. I feel like I'm less of a spaz and I'm learning to be quiet and not miss out on when God is speaking to me and leading me. I don't know how to articulate how much my thought process has changed after spending 7 weeks in Haiti, but I don't think I'll ever be the "old Jessica" again, and praise God for that! That being said, here's a peek into how my Jesus has changed me.

The faces of those 10 boys who hung out in front of our guest house remain in my mind. I don't eat much less than I did before, but I am soooo much more aware of not wasting food and clean, filtered watered. My family goes out to eat at a nice restaurant every birthday, this month being when I celebrate mine. I keep thinking about these Haitian kids and asked my parents if they'd be willing to buy 90 pairs of flip flops for the kids at our feeding program who live in tent cities instead of eating out for my birthday this year (I saw they were on said for $1-$1.75 at Old Navy). My parents gladly agreed and 90 pairs have been delivered and should have been distributed yesterday. These poor kiddos often walk around barefoot, in broken or ill-fitted shoes, or in the shoes of their sibling who was of the opposite gender. The roads in Haiti are hot, rocky, and may have broken shards of glass too so foot protection is sooo needed. I shared this, not to get bring glory to myself, but to encourage you to think about how you can bless others with your blessings. To GOD be all the glory!!

I look in my closet and am humbled by how much I have. "I have nothing to wear," has been taken out of my list of common phrases. I have a car and am able to drive on paved roads...hellllloooo...who knew that was such a luxury...but it sooo is! My appreciation of time has been amplified. I'm becoming more dissatisfied with time wasted on TV, gossip, shopping online, outward beauty, self-consciousness and competitiveness, and even being so sick with sin in my life and the life of others. My patience for the unimportant and trivial has become so much shorter. Money, although necessary to live, is no longer at the forefront of my mind...giving me anxiety and fear. No...I'm learning that life is not the accumulation of things and having a good reputation. I'm learning that the American dream of having a stable job, a nice, comfortable house, finding a husband and having 2 and a half kids, is such an overrated picture of what life should be like for me at 27 years old. Although these are great things to have, truth is, some of these things that I thought would make me feel so secure, stable, and successful could also be the very things that keep me from living freely, living by faith, trusting God completely, and following Him wherever He calls me. God is the only security I have, who will never fail me. The safest place for me to be is in the center of God's will for my life (Thanks Pastor John from Port-au-Prince Fellowship. That truth is ingrained in my mind forever)

My heart is to know God more and more, wanting to know the fullness of who He is, experiencing a joyful life... running recklessly after my Jesus, and yes, even the joy of sharing in His sufferings. Cuz to know Christ more and see Him magnified in the lives of others, I'll say it again, is theeeee most beautiful thing I could ever experience. MORE!!!! I am spiritually hungry for more!!!

Growing: Week 1 to Week 7

Week 1 in Haiti...I was a total germaphobe...I am ALWAYS sick! So, at the feeding program, I’d play and love on these 120 kiddos who were often covered in scabies, open cuts, infections, or would have horrible coughs and would conveniently cough in my face with a bit of spit to go with it. I'd sneak away every 10 minutes or so just to apply hand sanitizer, pray God would protect my health, then continue ministering. By week 7 of Haiti, I had no inhibitions with the kids. They were hugging me, hanging on me, sleeping in my arms, kissing my cheeks, holding my hands with their scabi covered hands. It's so silly, but I no longer saw them as walking viruses out to get me, but saw them as people. Just like Jesus saw the lepers...people were afraid to touch them or come near them, but He wasn't. I was so convicted of my previous attitude toward them, and God totally replaced my paranoid spirit with peace and love for these kiddos who so desperately need Him. And my Jesus honored my obedience to love by blessing me with perfect health throughout my time in Haiti!

Week 1 in Haiti…having the street kids beg for food and water from me every single day every single time I saw them. As a rule of Child Hope, we are not allowed to give anything to these kids when they ask because #1, we could never have enough for each child when a crowd draws and #2, we cannot sustain feeding them after we leave, so it's unfair to put that burden on the remaining missionaries. This really grieved me, and some of the kids would get really angry when I'd refuse to give them food or water. Week 7: Realizing that although it would make me feel better that I have given to these kids when they are hungry, I am not the ultimate answer to their need. I have a heart to give and feed the hungry (duh) but I had to come to realize that I cannot feed all of Haiti. My mission was not to fill them physically for a moment, but to pray for them and show them how to get fed spiritually. Drink LIVING WATER that they may never thirst again! These sweet kiddos who would once get mad at me, would still ask my for food and water, but when a hug and kiss on the cheek and letting them know that Jezi (Jesus) and I loved them was all I gave for weeks...eventually they were content. My focus on the poor has changed from simply giving a handout to thinking about how to build meaningful relationships with them.

Week 1 in Haiti…feeling completely overwhelmed and unqualified to teach and persevere through the amount of misbehavior and disrespect I had to endure daily at school. Nothing that would’ve worked in the States was working here. I was discouraged and losing sight of my purpose. Week 7, realizing that I am probably still ill equipped and God truly had to do the work through me. I can’t expect to see fruit develop in the lives I’m sowing into over the span of a few weeks. It was a pride issue. I wanted to see results and transformation to feel significant and purposeful. Ouch, sorry God...I wanted to take the glory. I was reminded of the life of Jeremiah. He was called to be a prophet and for 40 years he pleaded and cried with a rebellious people that didn’t repent during his lifetime. Yet he persevered and was faithful. Wow, I just gotta trust that what I sowed will be watered and hopefully harvested by others, and God will certainly provide the growth.