Jezi Renmen Ou

It's no secret that I'm drawn to the roughest, hardest kids. I have such a heart for them to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior and see them transformed by our Maker. These group of boys, who mostly live in neighboring tent cities, would always hang out in the street in front of our guest house or our boys' home. They would usually be begging for food or water or some would just want to walk with me, hand in hand, and give me kisses on the cheek as I walked from house to house (I think it kind of became a competition between the boys...who could kiss the most missionaries as they walked by. Pretty awkward, but pretty funny to see as a spectator when visiting missionary teams would come in) This picture was taken right before I left for the airport. I love these little trouble makers.

These boys all attend our feeding program three days a week where they are not only fed, but also get to worship the Lord and hear the Gospel preached. In Haiti, churches don't let kids in unless they're clean, dressed up nicely, and have a parent with them. That excludes every one of these kids from being able to attend church. So the feeding program is a way to not only meet their physical needs, but their spiritual needs as well.

I've been hoping and praying that these little boys would get saved and really trust in Jesus before I left. There's such a language barrier so it's hard for me to really communicate to them. However, I feel like I've communicated Christ's love in little ways, like by giving them hugs and attention even when the guards to our house or other staff members would yell at them to leave me alone because they thought they were pestering me or begging me for something. It reminds me of the story of Jesus and the children in Matthew 19: 13-15. "Then the little children were brought to Him, that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.' And he laid His hands on them, and departed from there." Amen!

I know wholeheartedly that seeds have been planted in these kids and they are beginning to know Jesus more and more. I've seen them following missionaries to tents to lay hands and pray for people. I've seen one of them, Dupren, who attends an English school in our neighborhood, help translate for missionaries as they are sharing the Gospel to people living in tent cities. I told my little thug, Markezy, who has really just stolen my heart, "Mwen renmen ou."--I love you. He responded, "Anpil? Anpil!"--A lot? A lot! I just said, "Wi, dezod, anpil anpil."--Yes, trouble maker, a lot a lot. He just smiled and gave me the biggest hug. It's nice to see him softened up, because he is usually so angry and mean. I don't know what has happened in the past to make him so hardened, but my mission was to let him know he is loved, by me and by God. I'm thinking that was successfully communicated, by the grace of God and my limited Creole. ;)

And lastly, something that warmed my heart and really encouraged me....Markenzy (who, by the way is the child in the very forefront of the picture in the blue basketball jersey) was hanging out on the street with his gang of friends and Scotti, a missionary that works at the feeding program. Scotti decided to exercise with those kids, running up and down the street, just to spend time with them and attempt at calming them down. After they were done, he said that Markenzy told to him, "Thank you. Scotti, Jezi renmen ou!"--Jesus loves you. Ahhh, just to hear him say the name of Jesus is so sweet. I have trust in the Lord that He will continue to complete the good work He has already started in Markenzy and some of the other boys I connected with--Jean Jude, Yvell, Ashly, and Dupren. I don't feel the guilt of not being there to minister to those boys, because I know my Heavenly Father is going to use the faithful servants He has there to continue to disciple these kids. Man, there's nothing better than serving Jesus and seeing Him magnified in the lives of others.

My Yellow Shirt Babies

So there are a group of 30 children from another orphanage who regularly attend our feeding program. They lost their home in the earthquake and have been living in a small tent together ever since. They are the cutest little things ever and I've totally fallen in love with them. I've been able to cruise by the Ben's every once in a while on days when they are just there to get fed without the rest of the feeding program kids and just play and hang out. They've also become very fond of my camera...whether getting their picture or video taken...or taking pictures with my camera. I got to print out a few pictures of them and give it to them before I left. They were so stoked!

On Wednesday I decided to go with them as they got a ride back to their house. I had heard their living conditions were pretty bad, but I had no idea. Here are a few pictures of where the 30 of them live.

They live under that blue tarp.This is the entrance into their little home.
30 of their little bodies cram in here at night to sleep. :( Makes me so thankful to God that all the buildings to our orphanage are in tact. This could have been our kids.

However, praise God, the story doesn't end there. Our orphanage has been trying to get help for these kids, and another orphanage organization called, Hands and Feet, have decided to take over and help them out. They found a house to rent and are trying to get everything figured out in order to get the kids into a home as soon as possible!! Even sleeping on the floor in a completely empty house has to be much better than this (especially when it rains)! God is so good and I can't wait to get back and visit them in their new home one day.

What in the Flying Cockroaches?!

Mezanmi!!! So Brooke (our lovely nurse here) and I were in the guest house office when I saw a large bug crawling on the wall in front of me. "Is that a cockroach?" I asked, as I pointed it out her. She started to get up...to kill it, or maybe run away. Then suddenly, the little sucker started flying and she chose to do the latter. She bolted out the door as we both screamed in horror. The cockroach decided to leave the office too, so I slammed the door behind it. Then I laughed hysterically as I could hear Brooke, Jamie (our guest house manager), and Bob (a visiting missionary) yell and shriek as they pursued the flying insect. I could here SLAP! SLAP! And, "Oh my gosh!! Ahhhh!!!" I was pleased to find that when I opened the door, la cucaracha esta muerto.

Brooke and I collected ourselves and returned to our computers in the office when we heard a buzzing and tapping. We were wondering what it was, and then I saw from a small window above the office door that there was another large insect flying around in our hallway. We yelled for Jamie to help, but she had her Ipod blaring in her ears. Brooke facebook messaged her about our new uninvited guest, and she came to the rescue like a champ. We again heard her smacking at it from behind the door, the insect buzzing around to get away, and then silence. Brooke and I are such chickens, so we just screamed and laughed while Jamie, the assassin, did work on the bug.

Then we had enough sense to close the door to the back porch. This is the grossness that had been flying around our house.
And, earlier today, the cooks and I found a tarantula behind our forks. Mezanmi!! TIH!

His Joy Will Be My Strength

So let's keep it real here people. I know you've seen the pictures on facebook of me smiling, laughing, and having a great time with the kids. But that's half the story. And don't get me wrong, I really love and enjoy the kids most of the time. But, I want to be real because most people go on missions trips and return sharing about how God used them to minister to people and how people were so receptive to receiving the Gospel. That hasn't really been my experience.

These past 6 weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life. Never before have I had to frequently, purposefully choose to love people despite what has been done or said. The teachers and I struggled with students constantly being disrespectful, unresponsive to discipline, and thinking we're too mean and strict. When we've explained to them that God disciplines those whom He loves because in the end it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness and how we demonstrate God's love is by being respectful and kind to each other, it has typically gone through one ear and out the other (More so for the little kids than the big ones. The older kids have been more receptive to our conversations). It's frustrating trying to disciple kids who want nothing to do with you at times and have no desire to understand. It is also difficult when all the kids view love as is affection and gifts and they see discipline as just a way of you wanting to be mean to them--because of course, they it's never their fault right?!

Here are some of the hurtful things the kids have said to me or one of the other teachers:

"I don't like any of the American teachers. They're all mean. I'm going to pray for you all because you make us all write sentences."

"You have a big nose! You're ugly. I hate you!"

"Chinois! Chinois!" (means, "Chinese Chinese!") Even though I repeatedly said I wasn't Chinese, they would call me this and slant their eyes at me.

In Creole, "I hope that when we're running you trip on a rock, fall, and hit your head."

In Creole, "I'm going to whack her hard in the head and it's going to hurt."

"You're not my friend. You made me write sentences. Do not talk to me!"

These are just to name a few. Who knows what other mean things have been said in Creole. We've also gotten the silent treatment, kids walking away from us in the middle of conversation, and kids being obnoxious just to be obnoxious in class. One of my students would look at me and whisper things in Creole (kinda creepy and probably demonic) so I would hum worship songs or speak in tongues quietly. For a long while the teachers would hardly hang out at the kids' homes because they were so distant or mean to us after school because they would hold grudges.

I have pretty thick skin, I don't get mad or upset easily, but two weeks ago I bust out in tears after school. I felt so beat up by the words of the kids that day that I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed our Haitian Principal to sit in my class half the time because 2 of my 3 kids were just out of control, saying the meanest things to me. I was questioning..am I being too hard on them? Am I playing favorites? I honestly just wanted to go home, I didn't want to teach anymore. What was the point? If they didn't want me here, I don't have to be here. All I wanted to do was be with the kids from the feeding program. Those kids love me, just want me to hold them, they listen, and are so hungry for Jesus. They need Jesus. The kids at the orphanage already know Jesus, so wouldn't my time be better spent with the feeding program kids?

My fellow, amazing teachers prayed for me this hard day. Caitlin, thank you, I love you, and you're amazing! I was reminded that this is a spiritual battle. The real enemy I'm facing is the devil. The real obstacle I'm facing is discouragement. I was reminded by Francis Chan in his book, Crazy Love, about lukewarm Christianity. Do I really have Paul's heart when he said in Phil. 3: 10, " I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death?" I want to know Christ, but do I really want to share in his sufferings? I don't think anyone enjoys suffering (especially me), but if its for the furtherance of His Gospel...yes and amen! I want to know Christ more!

A few pages over, Francis said, "Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict." I found myself in this position. I was in conflict with my students and instead of choosing to continue being steadfast in discipline and challenging them in their school work, I was thinking of just doing fun activities for the rest of the summer and easing up on the discipline. I figured that would be the best and easiest solution. I realized I was choosing what was popular instead of what was right. I was more concerned about the kids liking me before I left than I was about helping mold them into the image of Christ. Not good.

However, I'm realizing that it's not my job to assert that the kids respect me...this is a heart issue and only God can change that. I can't change the fact that they don't respect me or respond to me because I'm an American woman No point in getting frustrated over that...I'll never be a Haitian man...although I learned that when I raise my voice at the kids like a Haitian man would to put them in their place, they're pretty receptive to that. I cannot heal those wounds from the past that have made them think and react the way they do to certain situations...only God can. The two I've had the hardest time with are true orphans, no mom or dad. How else should I expect them to behave without having had a mommy or daddy to properly raise them in a godly household?

I've known more intimately than any time before that when times get hard, Christ surely is my sufficiency. His approval is all I desire. My value is not determined by how much these kids like me before I leave or how much people back home think I'm a great person for doing this, but my value, in God's eyes, was high enough for God to send His only Son to die for me (What?! That the God who spoke the universe into existence loves and wants me is beyond my comprehension). There is nothing good about me, but my God still chooses to love me. My job is to love these kids unconditionally, and that's what I'm determined to do for the rest of my week here. Whether that means disciplining them, praying for them, spending quality time with them, or just giving them grace when they're not at their best...I'm determined, with God's joy as my strength and His Spirit within me to persevere, that I may see Christ magnified in Haiti. I know my work here is not in vain and I'm believing for God to continue to work in my life and the kids lives.

Dear Davidson

So my dear, sweet Davidson has stolen my heart this summer. I haven't blogged about him until now because I get really emotional thinking about his story and thinking about having to leave here soon. (Warning: If you're a crier, you might want to grab a tissue now.) He became my buddy early on when I relayed a message to him from his favorite missionary, Rocky, who goes to the same church as me at home. I also got to tutor him the first week of school, working on learning his letters...which, by the way, he has learned over the summer. Davidson is new to the orphanage, was here less than a month before I got here. This is his story, as posted on the Child Hope website:

"12 year old Davidson came to us for the first time immediately after the earthquake. The house he and his mother lived in had collapsed and they had nowhere to live so we let them live in the Ben's on the soccer field with the rest of the MDL kids and other displaced families. Later we helped them rent a house for the year. Five months later his mother became seriously ill and passed away. Immediately after the funeral, he walked all the way to the orphanage because he had nowhere else to go. He has been a part of Maison de Lumiere ever since."

I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have my house collapse in an earthquake, then lose my mom from illness in a matter of months. Makes me so sad.

A few weeks ago when I was leading our Community Circle class, the question the kids responded to was, "What blessings has God given you to show that He loves you?" Katrina, one of our little girls, quickly said, "God blessed me with my mom." I cringed thinking about how Davidson felt about hearing that answer. But then he raised his hand and answered in Creole. Mr. Lucner, one of the Haitian teachers, translated and said, "He said he knows God loves him because He blessed Davidson with his mom." It was sweet to see his faith remain in God even though his mom is no longer with him.

This is Davidson's drawing of his mom.

When I saw it, I had to hold back tears. I was looking at all the spots on her body and thought...this is the last image he saw of his mom...sick and her body decomposing. He pointed to the picture and said, "Mama." Then he started sucking on his thumb (which he does pretty often). He is 12 years old, just lost his mama, and is sucking on his thumb to sooth himself. Gosh, this is just too much sometimes. Every time I retell his story, I can't help but break down in tears.

On a lighter note, I've had the opportunity to spend a lot of quality time with him this summer. He's been my pal...playing basketball, marbles, and dancing together at the Ben's. A lot of the times when I'm sitting just watching the kids play soccer or dominoes, he'll sit on my lap and just wanna cuddle. I feel like God put me here at this time to give him some motherly-like attention and affection, and it makes me sad that I won't be here for much longer to do that. I know God will still be with him, but I wish I could just take him home with me. Love this kid. Please pray that Davidson would grow in his relationship with the Lord. He has such a sweet disposition about him and I know the Lord has saved him for a unique purpose.

Love Lessons With Keso

So, I'd love to post a picture of Keso so you can put a face with the name, but he hates taking pictures. Anywho, during school we have a 30 minute session called "Community Circle." The goal of the class is to build community with a small group of students and provide a platform for students to express themselves and encourage each other. So typically we read a Bible verse together and I explain what it means. There are questions the students are asked and then they are given ten minutes to write or draw their response. Afterwards, they sit in a group and share what they wrote. I have a group of 12 of all our little kids. This can be quite the challenge because they are all just coming in from recess, are really hyper, and usually cannot focus.

So our topic this day was as follows:
Keso decided in the middle of this Community Circle time to lay in the middle of the floor and yell random things at the top of his lungs. I gave him five seconds to get to his seat and quiet down, or he had to write sentences as a consequence. He made it there when I got to zero, but then he decided to keep falling off his seat and delay obeying. I started to write down the sentence, "I will obey quickly." I wrote down 1-10 for him to copy underneath, which led to Keso having a meltdown and being really disrespectful. Instead of letting him throw a fit in front of everybody, I decided to take him outside. I said very calmly, "Look, I love you and I don't want to make you write sentences. But, when I ask you to do something, I'm serious and I expect you to do it right away. We're learning about how to love each other better, the way God wants us to love each other. When we love each other, we're not rude and we respect each other. It's not easy, but lets try to love each other and make it a better day. Can we do that?" In the back of my mind I was thinking, am I really just wasting my breath? I don't think he's really going to understand. But he nodded his head, signaling that he understood and wanted to do better. So I said, "Okay, I cannot let you back into class until you apologize though." So with a bit of a sad and pouty voice he said, "I'm sorry." I asked, "For what?" "For not obeying." I told him I forgave him and that he wouldn't have to write sentences.

However, when we went back to class, he immediately went to his notebook to write his sentences. I repeated, "I told you you didn't have to do that." He just kept writing. This is what I found written the next day.
For those of you who know Keso, if you made him write sentences, he would hate you for the next few days. He would hold onto grudges for soooo long. Three weeks ago when I had him write sentences he told me over and over, "You are not my friend. You made me write sentences. Do not talk to me." So, for him to write these on his own, to keep remembering the importance of love, and learning not to keep a record of wrongs (well, I never did anything wrong but in his eyes it was wrong) it was a sweet moment. God is good.

Daphne the Diva

Short little story...so our little 4 year old, Daphne, is quite the character. Even though she's so small...she has a big voice, carries a big personality, and attitude for days. The last missionary group to come in named her Daphne the Diva. To my friends in Hawaii, you know what I mean when I say she's such a titta.
So yesterday, a group from Washington came in to install fans on the walls of our girl's orphanage. These group of white men were asking our Creole speaking nanny in English if there were any more rooms to install fans. Obviously, there was a frustrating language barrier. But have no fear, Daphne the Diva to the rescue! She came in with her little attitude, translated into Creole what the missionaries were trying to communicate to the nanny, then said in English, "She said there's no more rooms." Then she turned and walked away...like hey, my duties here are done...I'm on to bigger and better things...call me if you need me. Di-va! The missionaries said they were just cracking up that this little girl just came through and took charge. I mean, God did say in His Word not to let people despise you because of your youth. Get it girl!

An Ode to Rubber Bands

I've been so amazed at the value and multipurpose use of colored rubber bands here. Here are some examples of how they are used.

A game I fondly refer to as

Bocci Band Very similar to Bocci Ball...the object of the game is to throw rubber bands until you land on top of your opponent's band, then you gain all the rubber bands that were thrown.

Dominoes Gambling

The older boys play dominoes every day and can never just do it for fun. It costs 5 rubber bands when you have to pass and 10 rubber bands when you lose. As a side note, I've heard they've made each other do silly things when they would lose. Like have to play with a metal bed post around their shoulders for the next game, or stick these huge leaves in their mouths as they played.

Lastly, and my favorite,
Friendship Bracelets

I've gotten rubber bands from Davidson and Keso from our orphanage and from Markenzy, my buddy from the feeding program. I cherish them dearly. :)

First Visit to a Tent City

I'm ending week 5 here and I haven't been willing to go to a tent city until today (my heart already breaks for the kids that I see on the street daily, so I didn't want to have an emotional meltdown in a tent city...been really cautious about going). The street I live on is pretty nice and rebuilt...there wasn't severe damage from the earthquake. But as I walk down the street and turn a corner, there are not only collapsed houses, but also large tent cities. Many of the kids that come to our feeding program live there and Scottie, one of the missionaries here, usually walks a few of the kids home to meet their families and pray for them. I decided to join him today.

So I went with six other missionaries and about thirteen kids from the feeding program. It was hard to walk through the wet dirt, shabby tents, and see kids with holey shirts to no clothes, and soooo many people living there. It broke my heart...especially to think of what it's like when there's massive storms or really hot days. One of the little girls, Melicia, brought me to her tent which was actually fairly big relative to other ones. It was actually wood panels with a tarp on top. The entrance of the "house" had a sheet and Melicia, with a big smile, opened the sheet to show me the inside. Her father sat in his boxers washing clothes inside a bin while her mother was in the back on one of the bunk beds. I felt awkward, honestly. Feeling like I was being a bit intrusive as Melicia invited me to come in. Although her parents were very cordial, I decided to stay outside.

During this time, our team of people were praying for one of the feeding program girl's mom and I stood on the side holding one of the small boys. I was praying from where I was and noticed there were four young women that were standing by and watching, one was holding a baby. They were smirking, talking in Creole, looking at both me and another young missionary, Arielle, and from their body language, were not saying very nice things. One of them, at one point, even brushed Arielle's arm in a kind of mocking way. I continued to pray and sing quietly that God's glory would be revealed to them. After the team prayed for the mom, Scottie looked at the young woman holding the baby and asked if she had anything to pray for. She laughed awkwardly and didn't know what to say at first. Then she said that she wanted prayer for her baby because the baby was sick. So Dena, one of the missionaries held the baby and they prayed. The baby's countenance was so happy and the mom began to laugh. I think she just didn't know how to react.

Meanwhile, I moved closer to the three other young women who were standing by and talking trash about us. Then one of them pulled out an envelope with pictures and handed it to me. It was pictures of a cute small boy that I assumed was one of their sons. They then pointed out that this little boy was sitting on the side on the ground...he only had a shirt on, no pants...sitting on the ground. I told them thank you for sharing the pictures and said that the little boy was so cute. I asked them each their name...I forgot the first girl's name but the other girls names were Christella and Jessica. When I met Jessica, I quickly said, "Mwen rele Jessica." My name is Jessica! For weeks, two of the little girls from the feeding program have been telling me they had a older sister named Jessica, so it was exciting to finally meet her. Anyways, these three hardened women all smiled and somehow I felt their preconceived notions about me diminish. I'm sure it also helped that I tried to communicate in Creole. The missionaries finished praying for the woman and her baby and we moved up two tents to pray for another mom of a feeding program child. I bid buh-bye to the four women, and Jessica actually followed us to the next tent. :)

The lady we prayed for next was such a sweetheart. She was so thankful, gracious, and praying for blessings for Haiti. I was so happy to be able to witness that.

And to wrap it all up, we started making our way out of the tent city. Our last turn before we exited, we could hear a man yelling and a woman and child screaming. It was starting to get dark, I felt uneasy about staying in the tent city any longer, so me and two others headed straight back home. However, Scottie and two other missionaries stayed back to intervene. Scottie asked one of the Haitian men standing nearby if he could go in and check on the tent they were hearing noises from. It was clear that both the woman and boy were getting beat by the man. The man emerged from the tent, stunned and embarrassed to see the missionaries and a dozen kids staring at him. He started to make excuses for what he was doing, but he was still really embarrassed. His little boy emerged in tears and his face covered. Scottie was able to pray for the man before they left.

God is so good. He cares about revealing His Fatherly love to a boy and wife who at that moment thought no one would deliver them. And He cares about redeeming the life of one man who thought that violence was the answer to his situation at that moment. Our God is a God who is mighty to save!

What to Do About Jealousy

Oh my...what to do about dealing with jealousy and possessiveness. Let me clarify that. I don't mean, what to do with people who are possessed (although it's a possibility there's some spiritual manifestation going on). But what I'm asking is, what I should do when the kids get possessive over me or get jealous that I'm spending more time with someone else? With more than 50 kids in the orphanage and 120 kids at the feeding program, it can get exhausting trying to spread the love equally!!

But the two kids I've been praying for the most...Richard (my student) and Markenzy (a boy from the feeding program) are the kids that I've had the most issues with this week.


Richard told me the other day that I loved MarcKendy (one of my other students) more than him. He hasn't grasped that I don't have to give MarcKendy punishments because he is behaving well, while Richard on the other hand, demonstrates misbehavior that merits consequences. In his eyes, affection is the only thing he sees as love and discipline is just a form of malice and hate towards him. But lets just be honest, its so much easier to be loving and affectionate toward a student who is consistently receptive to the love I give rather than giving it to someone who occasionally gives me the cold shoulder when I extend love. Ain't that the truth in any situation? So yesterday I made more of an effort to not "play favorites" and start anew with Richard, even though I was pretty hurt by some of the things he had said. I think deep down he really loves me and cares if I love him, though I'll probably never hear it from his mouth and I'll probably leave with him thinking I still didn't love him as much as I love the other kids. But again, yesterday, he sat in my lap all recess, fed me food, and was such a sweetie pie.

Then there's Markenzy. My sweet sweet boy that I've connected to the moment I got to Haiti. Throughout this summer he's been my pal, walking me to the guest house from the boys' orphanage. He gives me kisses on my cheeks everytime I see him. He protects me from the other kids when they try to steal the stuff from my hand. But when I'm at the feeding program and other kids want to play with me or hug me, Markenzy starts beating up on them or he starts pushing me. My default reaction is to laugh because I'm so shocked at how possessive he is over me. This picture was taken 5 minutes before he pushed me all the way home because he got mad at me for letting another child take a picture with my camera. He thought he should be the only one with that privlege. Eeks...I want to communicate somehow that I really do love him and he has such a special place in my heart compared to the other kids, but I can't just ignore these other kids who are so hungry for love too.

*sigh* It's nice to be loved, but yikes! I need God's wisdom on how to deal with this and am praying that God would give them hearts of understanding.