So let's keep it real here people. I know you've seen the pictures on facebook of me smiling, laughing, and having a great time with the kids. But that's half the story. And don't get me wrong, I really love and enjoy the kids most of the time. But, I want to be real because most people go on missions trips and return sharing about how God used them to minister to people and how people were so receptive to receiving the Gospel. That hasn't really been my experience.
These past 6 weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life. Never before have I had to frequently, purposefully choose to love people despite what has been done or said. The teachers and I struggled with students constantly being disrespectful, unresponsive to discipline, and thinking we're too mean and strict. When we've explained to them that God disciplines those whom He loves because in the end it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness and how we demonstrate God's love is by being respectful and kind to each other, it has typically gone through one ear and out the other (More so for the little kids than the big ones. The older kids have been more receptive to our conversations). It's frustrating trying to disciple kids who want nothing to do with you at times and have no desire to understand. It is also difficult when all the kids view love as is affection and gifts and they see discipline as just a way of you wanting to be mean to them--because of course, they it's never their fault right?!
Here are some of the hurtful things the kids have said to me or one of the other teachers:
"I don't like any of the American teachers. They're all mean. I'm going to pray for you all because you make us all write sentences."
"You have a big nose! You're ugly. I hate you!"
"Chinois! Chinois!" (means, "Chinese Chinese!") Even though I repeatedly said I wasn't Chinese, they would call me this and slant their eyes at me.
In Creole, "I hope that when we're running you trip on a rock, fall, and hit your head."
In Creole, "I'm going to whack her hard in the head and it's going to hurt."
"You're not my friend. You made me write sentences. Do not talk to me!"
These are just to name a few. Who knows what other mean things have been said in Creole. We've also gotten the silent treatment, kids walking away from us in the middle of conversation, and kids being obnoxious just to be obnoxious in class. One of my students would look at me and whisper things in Creole (kinda creepy and probably demonic) so I would hum worship songs or speak in tongues quietly. For a long while the teachers would hardly hang out at the kids' homes because they were so distant or mean to us after school because they would hold grudges.
I have pretty thick skin, I don't get mad or upset easily, but two weeks ago I bust out in tears after school. I felt so beat up by the words of the kids that day that I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed our Haitian Principal to sit in my class half the time because 2 of my 3 kids were just out of control, saying the meanest things to me. I was questioning..am I being too hard on them? Am I playing favorites? I honestly just wanted to go home, I didn't want to teach anymore. What was the point? If they didn't want me here, I don't have to be here. All I wanted to do was be with the kids from the feeding program. Those kids love me, just want me to hold them, they listen, and are so hungry for Jesus. They need Jesus. The kids at the orphanage already know Jesus, so wouldn't my time be better spent with the feeding program kids?
My fellow, amazing teachers prayed for me this hard day. Caitlin, thank you, I love you, and you're amazing! I was reminded that this is a spiritual battle. The real enemy I'm facing is the devil. The real obstacle I'm facing is discouragement. I was reminded by Francis Chan in his book, Crazy Love, about lukewarm Christianity. Do I really have Paul's heart when he said in Phil. 3: 10, " I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death?" I want to know Christ, but do I really want to share in his sufferings? I don't think anyone enjoys suffering (especially me), but if its for the furtherance of His Gospel...yes and amen! I want to know Christ more!
A few pages over, Francis said, "Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict." I found myself in this position. I was in conflict with my students and instead of choosing to continue being steadfast in discipline and challenging them in their school work, I was thinking of just doing fun activities for the rest of the summer and easing up on the discipline. I figured that would be the best and easiest solution. I realized I was choosing what was popular instead of what was right. I was more concerned about the kids liking me before I left than I was about helping mold them into the image of Christ. Not good.
However, I'm realizing that it's not my job to assert that the kids respect me...this is a heart issue and only God can change that. I can't change the fact that they don't respect me or respond to me because I'm an American woman No point in getting frustrated over that...I'll never be a Haitian man...although I learned that when I raise my voice at the kids like a Haitian man would to put them in their place, they're pretty receptive to that. I cannot heal those wounds from the past that have made them think and react the way they do to certain situations...only God can. The two I've had the hardest time with are true orphans, no mom or dad. How else should I expect them to behave without having had a mommy or daddy to properly raise them in a godly household?
I've known more intimately than any time before that when times get hard, Christ surely is my sufficiency. His approval is all I desire. My value is not determined by how much these kids like me before I leave or how much people back home think I'm a great person for doing this, but my value, in God's eyes, was high enough for God to send His only Son to die for me (What?! That the God who spoke the universe into existence loves and wants me is beyond my comprehension). There is nothing good about me, but my God still chooses to love me. My job is to love these kids unconditionally, and that's what I'm determined to do for the rest of my week here. Whether that means disciplining them, praying for them, spending quality time with them, or just giving them grace when they're not at their best...I'm determined, with God's joy as my strength and His Spirit within me to persevere, that I may see Christ magnified in Haiti. I know my work here is not in vain and I'm believing for God to continue to work in my life and the kids lives.
Galatians 6:1-10
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